How I got a job with a ridiculous opening email.

A couple of years ago my then girlfriend wanted to find a better job. I had a lot more experience going on interviews and generally traversing the drudgery of job searching so I helped her through the process. She found a job posting that interested her but wasn’t within the umbrella of her education or previous work experience. I jokingly commented that I could probably get the job before she did, and this ended up turning into a competition. I had no relevant education or work experience in this field either, but I’m a great bullshitter so I gave it my best shot. We both applied for the job with our own unique approaches. The job title was Junior Amazing And Talented Content Creator. The following is the email I sent them. All grammar and spelling mistakes included.

Hello,

I found your advertisement for someone to help create content and drive traffic for an editorial calendar - or something. It was a rather poorly written advertisement, and I see that you seriously need some help. Also, a number of the requirements were listed multiple times. Now, had the font been adjusted to comic sans on the second appearance I could have assumed you were intentionally duplicating the entries for emphasis. Since the overall quality of the advert was hovering somewhere around poor to abysmal I feel it’s safe to assume negligence was the root cause here.

You need help. Let me help you.

I’ll give you a really short background that I think can help emphasize why I really embody many of the requirements you’re looking for. I come from a very poor background. When I was young my parents struggled to supply me with a lot the essentials for life. Sure they managed to put a roof over my head, and there was food on the table. But there’s a lot of other things that can really propel you to success when you have them at a young age. I learned this lesson early on in life. You see while my family was borderline destitute, we lived in a rather wealthy area. Rich people need someone to clean their clothes and fix their cars right? Well, that’s exactly what my parents did. My father was a mechanic and my mother was a domestic worker. Immigrants to a foreign country doing their best to provide their children an opportunity to be successful. Their best they did, though going to school mixed among the privileged children helped to carve a deep understanding of class divides in a way only have-nots can truly appreciate. Now it was apparent to my precocious mind that there’s many indicators which show individuals are on either side of the divide. For instance, buying new clothes and outfits seasonally. Stories of family vacations to foreign countries. Separate rooms for cooking and bathing at home. Out of all the differences though the one,that stuck out for me the most was a sense of humor.

It was clear to see that a sense of humor was afforded to the privileged class. I would have traded all of my new clothes, foreign vacations, or task specific rooms in my home if it meant I could have my very own sense of humor. Since I didn’t even those I knew it would take other means to acquire what I desired most. Trading for what you wanted was a means for the lower classes anyway. No more so on display than lunch time at school sitting at the table with my underprivileged friends. We spent most of the time bartering with one other in hopes to receive edibles that we actually wanted to consume. Tensions often rising as heated debates over peanut-butter sandwiches for cheese and toast turned friends to enemies. God forbid someone realized the capri-sun they had traded for was a re-labeled knock off and the whole table need prepare for a meltdown. That was never the case for the rich kids table. They all had what they wanted and spent lunch time eating and laughing. Their parents had packed in a sense of humor with their lunchables and freshly squeezed juices to be enjoyed all throughout the day. It hurt to see others have so much that it allowed them to spend their time differently, and obviously more enjoyably.

I knew that my parents worked hard for the little we had and so I never really bothered them for big purchases. Though one year as Christmas time was rolling around I thought it might be the perfect opportunity to try and ask for something big. Just this one time I hoped. I’ll never forget the day. I walked up to my father while he was reading his newspaper. I still remember my body trembling as I licked my lips and uttered, “Papa, do you think for this Christmas you could get me a sense of humor?”. He let a huge sigh while folding up his newspaper and shaking his head. Even as the breadwinner for the household it was something he himself was unable to afford. Which may be why he took the folded up newspaper and slapped me across the face while telling me to go bother my Mother. I never gave up though. From that moment on I knew that if I wanted a sense a humor I was going to have to buy it myself. From that point on I spent years working hard to save up any bit of money I could. I mowed lawns and shoveled snow. I picked up pennies from the ground and put everything into my little bank.

It was finally in my late teens that I dared make another attempt at procuring what I had always desired. Having finally saved up a notable sum of money for someone at that age I felt safe in confiding to a friend my intentions. Even with him, someone I had trusted even more than my family, the challenges arose once again. “You can’t buy a sense of humor”, he explained. “What?!”, I responded aghast. He continued, “Yeah the rich kids weren’t laughing because they could afford a sense of humor. They had a sense of humor because they didn’t spend so much time worrying about the things they don’t have and enjoyed life. I mean - maybe that was a result of having more money, but you don’t need money to get it. If you focused more on what you do have, and learn to appreciate those things then you can spend more time finding the humor inside yourself”. It was something that I had never even considered until that moment. I felt so foolish spending all of this time hoping to buy something that was within me this whole time. I just needed to get it out. I thanked my friend and knew what I had to do next. I took all of the money that I had saved up and spent the coming years of my life seeking out any doctor to who help me find the humor inside me. Many turned me down and thought that I had misunderstood something I had read on the internet, but I was sure eventually would listen to my pleas and help. After many years of X-rays, MRIs, and exploratory surgeries from back alley medical students nobody was able to find any humor in me. I’m not really sure what the point of this story was. I’ve spent all my money on those procedures and I really need a job. You people clearly need someone to produce and manage quality content for your site. Let’s work something out?

You can find some of my personal projects here: Youtube.com/MrPowerScripts

My resume with more detailed information is attached. Let’s do great things together.

I showed this to her before I sent it. She thought I was insane. That is still up for debate. I received an email within a couple of days to come interview with their director of marketing. She never received a reply. The dude seemed to like me. We talked about companies we thought had killer marketing. We discussed my personal projects like the MrPowerScripts youtube channel. We hit it off pretty well and he asked me to come back for an interview with the CEO. Fast forward a few days and I’m in the room with the head honcho. He drilled into me a bit harder than the marketing guy, but I was feeling it that day. I remember at one point he said: “you talk a really good game”. You’re damn right I do skip. At least on that day, I did. That’s exactly the moment that I knew I had the job. There was just one problem. I didn’t actually want it.

I had been working from home for several years at this point. I was also looking for a new job at the time, but I had no interest to come into an office every single day. That’s the kind of person they were looking for. When they called me back a couple days later to offer me the position I tried to explain that I’d be happy to do all of the work at home. There was absolutely no reason for me to commute every day to create content. Marketing dude was not flexible on that, and ultimately we went our separate ways.

Though the story doesn’t completely end on a sour note. My then girlfriend eventually did take the next step in her career and found a much better job than her current one. She also managed to make a strong follow up after that by finding a better boyfriend that doesn’t do stuff like snake her on job offers that she wanted. Lessons learned all around.